Whispering Wednesday

Hari OM

While watching a program earlier this week related to charity and NEED, I found myself having some flashbacks to my counselling practice and how often I heard that word. Going out on a small limb here, I would say that 80-85% of the people who sat before me in angst about not having their needs met were actually talking about their wants and wish-for... not necessarily their actual needs.

Does that sound harsh? It ought not to do so; a key role in counselling is not simply to listen. That is, of course, the primary purpose, permitting people to think out loud to rationalise their inner turmoil. However, second to that is the guidance and clarification aspect.

Attentive listening often revealed that the main complaint lay within the person sitting before me insofar as they had an expectation of another and were disappointed when that expectation was not met. Now, often, that expectation was valid. We all deserve to be listened to by those we are closest to, and we definitely all deserve to be treated with a basic level of respect and civility. Beyond that, in truth, everything is a negotiation between various personalities and social histories.

What has to happen is that we clarify our own motives and purpose in life before seeking to build relationships with others. All too often, the 'needs' that brought folk to my practice were actually disappointments and frustrations at not getting what they WANT - which may or may not be a genuine need.

The difference is that a need functions to sustain and maintain life at a tolerable level; "I want" is the cry of the unhealed seeking that healing from outside when it requires to be adressed from inside. Wanting something and needing it are not equal.

In daily life, regardless of the more serious matter of relationships, we are faced at every angle with want versus need. It is as simple as whether we want a piece of chocolate as to whether we actually need it. That might seem simplistic, but think about it for a few moments - or longer. Make a saadhana for yourself for, say, three days, and take active note of how often you find your thoughts are of wanting something - doesn't matter what it is - and then assess your actual need for that thing. First, you might note that you have become so habituated to reaching for that thing - no mindfulness! Then, on assessment, you may discover that a great deal of what you have available to you is not actually needed for life. It is convenient, comfortable, enjoyable... but is it really needed?